What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 06:53
As i do to all so called friends.?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I write beautiful poetry .
I waited trembling.
If you received hand-me-downs as a child, how did they make you feel?
I think the readers, may guess!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it wasn’t much.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I don,t even have a pension.
This is soul school!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She found it foreign!.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do narcissists and especially covert narcissists always play the victim?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
What have you learned from your parents' mistakes?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My life is so biszare .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So whats the point in blame.
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was very sick at this time too.
I was scared of men, in general
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot live in the past .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i lived it daily.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were not on the streets..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He knew the spot.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Ive learnt so much.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Especially a lifetime of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was seconnd youngest,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Put me off passion for life!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She was in good health!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
All the time i was locked up.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was 9 years of age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I have no regrets .
Would this be the day?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Comes on , in middle age.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She loved him until the end.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
It was going to be , some day.
What did i know ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I said to her
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We all went to grammer schools
Who then, do I blame.?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My family never makes their pension either.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im still living with it.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.